Dec 22, 2009

My Sister's Pussy

Last weekend I once again found myself caring for someone else's animal while they went off to do fun things that didn't include me or their pet.

Melissa acquired Griffin when she was in university. She called me up one day (pre email popularity when the fastest way to get hold of someone was to call them. On the phone. Back in the days when we all rode dinosaurs to school and slept hanging from our tails in tree branches. Remember?) and was all Hey sis, I got a cat! How cool is that? Oh and can I borrow rent money? And I'm all You got a cat when you can't afford rent? And she's all Send the money now or I'll sic my velociraptor on your stegosaurus.

Griffin is the most passive aggressive creature I have ever met, and that's including a whole slew of theatre actors I worked with for two years. If Griffin was a man we would have had an intervention years ago to force Melissa to LEAVE HIM NOW. But he's a cat, and so we openly mock him while secretly hoping he will chose our laps to sleep on next.


He has a neurological disorder that makes him think he's hungry. All the time. This hasn't been diagnosed, or even hinted at by the vet. But it's the only thing I can think of that would make him cry for food five minutes after he's eaten. And by "cry" I mean wail pitifully like a starving baby. And it's constant. I know I sound like a post-natal mother off her meds when I say that the crying just. never. stops. Why won't it stop?

When he's not eating he's guarding the fridge. If I open the fridge he is immediately trying to climb inside. If you won't let me eat the food, at least let me be near it. Always near it. My love. My precious. 

If I'm not in the act of feeding Grif, he will do everything in his power to prevent me from doing anything else. Oh, you wanted to do some work? Perhaps surf the interweb? Am I in your way? Hmm? AM I? 

If he's not crying or doing everything in his power to get in my way, then something is wrong. He's either trying to find the perfect place to vomit (because if there isn't a 85% chance I'll step in it, then it's just not worth the effort), or he's hiding a plastic bag.

Yes, I said hiding a plastic bag. He'll do this, if you leave one un-attended. He'll drag it under the bed or behind the dresser. Then, late at night, he'll go to it and start licking. You probably never thought of it before, but cat tongue on plastic is like fingernails on chalkboard. So, you're not going to feed my every hour throughout the night? Fine, then I'll just lurk in your closet and suck the nutrition from this Safeway bag. Hope it doesn't bother you. 


And just when I think I can't take it anymore, the crying and the puking and licking, Grif goes and does something so ridiculously cute that my heart breaks a little. Like he'll sit on my lap and rub his little cheek against mine, or reach his little paws up to the coffee table and rest his head on the table, just watching me. And I forget all the horribly annoying crap he's capable of and I'll pick him up and hold him and cuddle him and love him and squeeze him forever and ever.

1 comment:

Matt said...

Great post. However, not what I expected. Amazing what treasures you find on the net while searching for ... entertainment. ;)

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