Sep 11, 2009


There is this great SNL skit with Matt Dillon called DeCicco Brothers Unicornery, where he's a cheesy car salesman, but instead of selling cars he's selling unicorns. Brilliant, you must see it. At one point he gestures to a tiny little unicorn and says "look at this bag of doughnuts" and my heart grew three sizes that day. Cute things are 52% cuter if you call them a bag of doughnuts. Pets, babies, small bugs. Try it out, you'll see what I mean.

This week I encountered the cutest thing ever. The baggiest of all doughnuts.

A box of bunnies.

I say it again. A. BOX. OF. BUNNIES.

My dad started raising rabbits not so long ago. His two moms just had their first litters. There are eleven babies between the two of them. One batch is black and the other is white with black markings.
These may not sound like much. But I assure you, they are no ordinary bunnies. They are the physical embodiment of Cute. We have all been living in the shadow of Cute, not really grasping the awesome power that Cute possesses. I stand as witness that Cute has finally descended to earth to show us what good can be accomplished in It's name.

To fully understand Cute, to become one with it, you must first cuddle bunnies.
  1. First you feed the mom a piece of swiss chard picked fresh from the garden.
  2. While she's distracted you reach into the big cage she shares with her babies, and carefully pick up the nest box where all the babies hang out. Place this on a secure shelf or counter.
  3. Very carefully, remove the bunnies one by one to make sure they haven't crushed each other and they don't have anything wrong with them. 
  4. Exclaim over how wonderful they are, cuddle them close to your face, stroke their soft baby fur, and take funny pictures while calling them bags of doughnuts ("look at this bag of doughnuts!" CLICK).
  5. Once you have finished with a bunny, place it in a cardboard box.
  6. Repeat step 4 & 5 until all bunnies are removed from the nest box. 
  7. Now reverse the process, returning the little guys back to their nest.
  8. Return nest box back to main cage, feed mom more chard.
  9. Make secret plans to smuggle bunnies out in your backpack when it is time to leave in a few days.

One batch of bunnies is all black, and the other is white with black markings. I have to admit that the spotted ones are particularly awesome. Their faces look like warshacks. Although all I see is soft faces of  delight and happiness when I gaze upon their gentle eyes and twitchy noses.

Dad claims the bunnies are for food. He emphasizes this by calling the girls Barbie (short for Barbecue) and the boys Stew. But I know the truth. I'm going to come up here in a month and they'll all be in the kitchen, wearing collars with their names and dad's phone number on them in case they escape, drinking from personalized water dishes. "Thinking of them as food was supposed to be easier." Dad said. "Stupid spots."

Fun fact: spots make bunnies 47% cuter than plain coloured bunnies.Guess who's getting eaten first?

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